Ruzbeh N. Bharucha
Time and again, one sees the pressure of parenting or a relationship and how it can make wise, mature, sensible folk begin to behave like intelligent gnats. If one has to be tested on how detached you are, then all it takes is to get one’s child or children involved and you can sort of be assured, you will see your level of detachment or obscene attachment. Sometimes there is a role reversal, the elder begins to behave childishly while the offspring has to take on the role of the parent.
The parent so often hates him or herself for not being able to let go but then what is to be done. All of Creation on one side and the child’s wellbeing-tantrum-obsession-st- upidity on the other side of the weighing scale, even if that baby is a fifty year old adult, and you can be assured more than often the mature individual will be bound by the situation, his or her child wants to be in.
Baba often in channeling has made it clear that no matter how emotionally one is entwined with ones loved one, especially one’s child, the fact remains, etched in the frigid sands of time, that each one has his or her individual journey and one’s own destiny road map and nobody can alter either the road map or the journey.
Best part of it all is that we all are aware of this wisdom and yet we kind of refuse to take our heads out of anatomical opening and let God, Goddess, Master take over or Cosmos take its course.
Whatever is going on with our kids, no matter what their age, especially if they are capable of tying their shoe laces or down load stuff on the net, their inherent emotional, mental, psychological framework and the implications of it all, comes from past lives, their present upbringing and their inherent Free Will.
Eventually we are the amalgam of past life experiences and desires, our inherent nature, our DNA and the smattering of Free Will which we would like to believe we are granted.
Now past life or lives and all that which comes along with it, we do not have much say. Inherent characteristics are built over time and are the outcome of the use of Free Will, which eventually creates one’s destiny. The strengths which we possess come from our use of Free Will in our past lives and thus become our wings in this life time, which allows us to soar in life, either through what we now consider as inherent skills and talents or abundance of good luck or The Master’s hand on the individual’s head.
In similar vein, our weaknesses and so called character flaws too are cease pits that we bring from the beyond which makes an individual become his or her greatest stumbling block and sinking sand.
Now inherent tendencies one can do little about. We can sharpen the strengths and blunt the craziness but you know what, just as sure as flies hover around the droppings of cattle or the unusual attraction moths feel for a flame, both strengths and weaknesses are simmering, just a bit under the surface.
Then we come to upbringing. This strange animal is given a lot of credit but I am not sure where it really stands when push comes to shove. Upbringing works till things are normal, but the moment there is fire, inherent tendencies surface. A dog may live with humans, be treated as a human, sleep on a bed and be taken to saloons, but no matter what you do, it will try to catch its own tail and sort of savour licking its own southern part of its you know what. That’s inherent nature working over upbringing.
Most parents endeavour to give their children every possible thing; all the warmth, comfort, love, and logically the child, who is now in all probability a physically grown up, emotionally challenged, intellectually questionable adult, has no logical reason to behave the way s(h)e is behaving.
After all the upbringing and expensive schooling and love, still why would that so called child still behave like a well groomed, professionally trained moron, there is no sane answer; no reasoning to the younger one’s self centered idiosyncrasy. Some become self destructive. Some play the victim. Some just want and want and want more and more. Most are victims of their anger and depression and self destructive streaks. And the parent(s) try and try and try to do all they can but to no avail. The parent(s) carry the blame, the burden and heart break through their days.
I truly believe that parent(s) should not carry this cross of guilt or responsibility, that in some way, one has contributed to one’s child’s volatile nature.
So once again, as you are reading my blog, I take the liberty to conclude you are not too sound in the head or intellectually mature, thus I shall repeat my song and dance. Get it into your thick, well manure head, that your child or parent or sibling or loved one is a byproduct of a lot of emotions and tendencies, where you my dear demented friend have actually no control over.
I have seen families with four children and each child is different from the other. The upbringing is the same, nutrition is the same, schooling is the same, pampering is virtually the same, yet you have four children who have nothing in common. The only logical explanation is that we are a byproduct first and foremost of our karmic blue print which gives us various tools to either use for one’s wellbeing or to club oneself into destruction. We each have our individual journey and our loved ones have their own individual journey. All that one can do for our lot is to wish them well, pray to God, Goddess, Master to always protect the idiots, guide and guard them, most often from themselves and still be there for them.
Worrying for them, getting knotted up, always being in fear, about their moods and tantrums or self destructive habits, is going to only worsen the matter, as now, along with their destiny you have joined your wagon too; making it a part of your karma.
Many times, no matter what you do, all the logical explanations and counseling you dish out; guiding and goading and being a sounding board; pilgrimages and spiritual practices; getting them to meet spiritual people and so called psychics and mediums, nothing is going to work till one decides, enough is enough, I have to get my life on track; no more self destructive activities or playing the victim.
As Baba so often says, that when life’s motto becomes, ‘ I shall not react but calmly act’, till then, nothing’s going to give.
What really bothers me is when I see the parent(s) or the loved one’s spiritual growth coming to a grinding halt, as one becomes increasingly obsessive about the wellbeing or self destructive streak of their loved one. The fact is that now you are becoming the greatest stumbling block, the finest obstacle, to your own spiritual growth. Which I fear, in turn is going to hamper your quality of life and it is going to affect your physical, emotional and mental wellbeing.
But the worst possible thing that one can do is not allow the off spring or the loved one to take responsibility of his or her actions and self destructive character issue and thus in reality, we do not allow our self destructive loved ones to grow. Many of us grow through wisdom and most of us grow by getting our noses rubbed into the ground.
Yes, we all want to protect our lot, but after a point, we are not protecting our lot, we are weakening them. Till we do not allow our loved ones to experience the consequences of their actions or self centeredness, we are not letting them take responsibility of their behavior, their reactions, their erratic self centeredness.
I cannot prevent my daughter from falling and after a fair amount of warning, I need to step back and then let her use her Free Will and hope she uses it wisely and I am sure still she might fall. I will not be there every time she falls but I am going to be there every time to help her get up, nurture her and then let her go on her path. And she might fall again and again and I shall be there every time to help her get up, nurse her, nurture her, but then she has to walk the path on her own. Her decisions are hers to make and the responsibility of those decisions are hers to embrace. All I can do is guide her and then be there for her. What else can we do? I am not going to agree to many of her decisions and life choices but I shall always be there when she falls or needs a shoulder to rest her darling head on. But beyond a point one cannot let another ‘s decisions and life choices derail us from our journey. That would go against our Master and His plans for us.
This is as much as our loved one’s individual journey as it is our pathway. Let us take parent children relationship. You are the parent of your child in this lifetime. Who you were in his or her past lifetime, who you shall be in his or her future lifetime, we are not aware of. Don’t take your theoretical role of being the father or mother a little too seriously. Imagine you are taking part in a play as your child’s parent and suddenly you go all ballistic in the play. After the drama is over, you don’t get out of your role as a parent. You are an individual, you are God’s child, and you are the architect of your destiny and you are the child of your parents and you are a sibling to your brothers and sisters and you are a spouse and you are a parent and an employer and an employee and a friend and etc and etc and etc. You play so many roles. You are yet beyond all the roles you play. You are the throbbing energy, the Atma from the Param Atma.
If you have to compromise yourself in one role, then let that role be The Spark from The Great Flame. Let the role be The Dust beneath Your Master’s Fancy Feet. That makes so much music. So much sense. So much justification. All other roles are transitory. Our family is more often than not a karmic melting pot. We gravitate towards those with whom we have the maximum karma, the greatest amount of give and take. We are together as a family, most often because we have serious karma to exchange. Or one has come down to help the other to move spiritually higher at a faster pace. It’s certainly not to accumulate more karma or get sucked into the karmic blue print of the other. It is to assist. To grow. To teach. To learn. To carry but still strengthen. It is all and yet more but certainly not to destroy one’s spiritual growth worrying or pacifying or justifying.
Don’t leave all the other roles and get stuck to this one role. For that one single role don’t compromise all your other roles.
We need to step back but to distance oneself from a situation comes about when you realise the futility of such a messed up entwinement.
You can give whatever justification you want to but the fact of the matter is that don’t let any role entrap you; it cannot make you claustrophobic, it cannot allow you not to live your life. Yes, stand by for your children, your grandchildren, stand by your daughter or son, be there for all your members of your family. But what about you. When are you going to be there for you? You are going to fall ill because of this. Whose going to be there at that time, your grandchildren, your children, your spouse, your parents, your friends, your spiritual group….who is going to be there, I would like to see, who’s going to be there. How much of your pain will they be able to take on? Even if they want to take it on. When my mother got diagnosed with brain tumor, the kind of pain she went through, we had to just stand by and see her suffer. Could any of us do a damn thing….for all my so called spirituality, could I share her pain….no I could not….I could pray for her….but when you feel some bastard is drilling a hole in your head with a burning lead knife and twisting it in your skull, and your child says, mom/dad, I am praying for you, wow, some fucking comfort….
How much ever we love our lot, nobody dies when that loved one dies. Nobody can share any pain when cancer eats into your flesh or your head. Nobody will understand the lonely, long, painful, miserably lonely nights, when you are awake, body thrashed with illness and age and all the shit we put the body through, emotionally and mentally and physically molesting it….eventually we come alone and we go alone….or we come with our karma and leave with our karma….and some….a few….very few…can claim to say….I come with my God, Goddess, Master and I shall leave with The One.
You are travelling in a train, you meet seven people in a compartment, you get along with them, the journey goes on, you begin to know them and even like them and sometimes even love them….and you become very close to one or two of the co passengers and now you suddenly plan to change your entire journey, the purpose of your travel, because of those seven or two or one person in the compartment. Your destination is somewhere else, but because that person(s) gets down at some station you follow. You leave all that which awaits you, because of your co travelers. How stupendously stupid would that be? Imagine if somebody told you s(h)e did that….derailed his or her journey for life, to follow a passenger. You would not speak biblical language. But the fact is so many of us are doing just this. They are going to get down at their destination. They are not.., however intimate they are with you, they are not going to wait to get down at your destination. Their destination has come, I am getting down, see you, keep in touch, this is my email id and phone number. They are not going to change their journey because of you, you are changing your life because of them. If you were to hear of this incident, you would say, is that person stupid. Who changes their destination because of co passengers? You are doing it. These co passengers have their tag; daughter, grandson, grandchild, spouse, sibling, parent, friend. They are co passengers. You want to help your loved one, then be there for them, guide them, and yes, pray for them. But don’t derail your journey for anybody but your Master.
The First prayer, should be for you, “Dear Lord, give me the strength and wisdom to go through whatever is in store for me giving my best with complete positive surrender.”
The Second prayer, should be “Dear Lord, give my loved one the strength and wisdom to go through whatever is in store for him or her giving their best with complete positive surrender”.
There is no more powerful a prayer than this prayer. Why? Because we all have to go through our karma, how we go through is important, its mandatory and most important. It decides our future course of action. To say, Baba keep my loved one away from anger and violence, don’t make her be volatile, may not work….as the child’s main karmic blue print, the main lesson in life, may be anger and volatile behaviour. You telling Baba to remove anger and tendency to be volatile, will not work. The loved one may have come only to learn this lesson. But asking Baba to make the person give his or her best towards each moment and with positive acceptance, helps the loved one to handle anger and volatile behaviour.
When I was a medium for healing I realised that people with serious problems were getting cured and people with basic health issues, weren’t really healing. So one day I asked Baba as to why was this happening? I told Him, either they all get healed or nobody gets healed. So in prayer I get a message, and the message goes something like this….
“Dear Demented Child, this is me, Sai…”
“Which Sai….” ” Hain….means….””
I mean there are lot of Sai’s and so many people in so many places say Sai comes to me and Sai talks and Sai….so which Sai and which place….”
A barrage of words, best left unpublished came my way and I got the gist that this was our Old Man, The Mr. Sai Baba of Shirdi talking away. So I apologized and said now Mr. Baba no more disturbance from my side.
“Good, now listen and be amazed…. if an individual’s soul journey is to calmly accept and live with a health issue and thus go beyond the clutches of that particular health issue, then you praying or trying to heal that person of that health issue is not going to work, you blasted buffoon. That individual person has come to experience that illness. You praying or yapping or groaning that Baba please heal this person of this illness is not going to make any difference to Me, do you understand Me, you outstanding fruit cake. You are through your completely lack of any common sense or any sort of sense, telling Me, The Sai, to remove the foundation of that child’s blue print. How is that possible….where were We. Ahhh yes, so My sweet daft child, you have to pray that, Oh Sai Baba of Shirdi, if healing can take place, if healing is permitted then heal this child of this so and so problem, but for whatever reason the healing is not meant to take place, give the child the strength and wisdom to go through this experience calmly. That is all which you can pray badmash. Don’t role your eyes rascal.”
Anyway a month later people who were being treated, began to tell me that their illness was the same but for some unexplainable reason, they were feeling much better. The pain in the knee was the same, but suddenly the individual could walk. The power of prayer works on the intention of prayer. If your intention of prayer is not compatible with the Cosmic Will, it is not enhancing the karmic plan of the individual, it will not work. Your prayer will work when it is hand in glove with the Cosmic Will and the individual karmic blueprint. If an individual has to learn lessons of humility via poverty, you can pray till you grow a third kidney, that person will experience poverty through the rest of his or her life. Why? Because that is the soul and sole purpose of the individual’s existence in this particular set up.
So it works the same with our loved ones. Pray for them to go through their karmic store with grace and positive surrender but more so giving their best to the moment with positive surrender. Don’t blame yourself for anything. Don’t give yourself so much credit. If in their karmic blueprint it was mentioned that they were going to be able handle their issues with calmness they would do so, but if in their karmic blue print they have to experience whatever they are doing so, then so be it, pray for them to go through all in store with grace and positive surrender and you stand by them, but don’t get sucked into their karmic prints of sand.
Also loved ones tend to become the sounding box, the shit pot of all grievousness. Yes by all means hear the grievances but after a point, don’t let yourself become the vomit bin for a daily purging of frustrations. By becoming the sounding box you are first of all taking on all the negativity. You are not able to breathe in peace because you are waiting for that call. All the time.
The fact is that in all situations, usually there are three alternative or pathways. The first is to give your best to the particular issue, give a particular time frame and if you yet feel that after giving your best things are not working out then you have the option to do whatever gives you peace of mind (as long as it is legal and not harmful to you or anybody around you). But often one can’t walk away or distance oneself physically, then you have got two alternatives, accept your lot calmly, find your pockets of happiness and get on with life. The worst is the third alternative, of not giving your best, not walking away, not accepting pockets of peace, but fretting and fuming and creating hell for oneself and everybody around. It is as such times when we need to tell our loved one ‘I don’t want to be a part of the third alternative’.
Make your peace with it.
It’s like you are awake in the night at two. You for some reason you are unable to sleep. Thus you create an issue and wake the rest of the household. The logical thing to do would be, you are not getting sleep, relax, have some warm beverage, read a book, watch a movie, meditate, pray, finish your work, give prank calls to the boss, whatever lights your bulb. If sleep comes, great, if sleep doesn’t come, at six, when the sun rises go for a walk. But most often the loved one does not sleep, does not let anybody else sleep. You can stand by the window all through the night, the sun will rise only at its appropriate time.
The fact is that when one leaves the body, what answer are we going to give our Master, that my whole life I got entangled with my loved one’s volatile nature. You think S(H)e is going to be doing cartwheels in joyful ecstasy? S(H)e is going to ask a simple question….”What about your karmic blue print, you’ve not touched your portfolio only got entangled in somebody else’s karmic baggage. Go back.”
That time I want to see whose going to go back with you.
Be blessed always.
Ruzbeh N. Bharucha